How to start conversations and other interpersonal skills

A couple of days ago I was openly complaining about people making comments on a person's looks: I was arguing that when a person makes a neutral or negative statement about our physical appearance (e.g. "you look tired" or "new haircut"), it could make us feel uncomfortable and awkward. A friend said that sometimes people might use that as a way of starting conversations: however, it has been proven scientifically that starting conversations by pointing out an aspect of our appearance is very inefficient, conductive to self-consciousness, loss of spontaneity, and even annoyance. So, I am going to reveal here my strategies to start conversations out of the blue, 100% field tested, very easy to use, and extremely effective.

But before we go to the specific strategies there are some things we should consider:

Do we really want to start that conversation? To figure this out we must calculate the boredom factor, that is, the chance that the person we want to talk to is actually exasperatingly boring. Because, sad as it is, there are people just too boring to talk to, there are human beings that for numerous reason have suppressed their innate ability to converse. So, we should wonder, is it worthy to have this conversation? To calculate the boredom factor we must weight the background knowledge that we have on this person (if we know that person from before, say a classmate or coworker) against the vibe we get from the person as he or she is located in our vicinity, the moment prior to the beginning of the conversation.

The other thing we must consider is: are we accustomed to awkward silences? This is because we humans feel compelled to initiate a conversation just to avoid an awkward silence, disregarding sometimes the fact that it might be about a hundred times more awkward to have a forced and lousy conversation with plenty of uncomfortable smiling and eye-contact avoidance. So, once we have assessed the boredom factor and we have decided that it is useless to start a conversation... then, the awkwardness of the silence will just vanish away and we will feel no pressure to initiate the conversation.

The last thing we should consider about initiating a conversation is the difficulty level. This is important because it is harder to converse with certain type of people. Difference in social status might make a conversation hard to begin because we could feel a little intimidated... the higher the social status of the person we want to talk to, the harder it will be: say for example, starting a conversation with the boss, a person significantly wealthier than us, a very attractive person, a person of extreme coolness, a professor or a person with a reputation of having a way above average intelligence. Usually it is the person of higher status that will initiate and lead the conversation, this is the norm... but if the contrary happens and the person of higher status we want to talk to does not initiate conversation or show interest in doing it, we must not hesitate and start it ourselves. As a matter of fact, people are just people no matter how beautiful, intelligent, cool, or wealthy they are: after all, we all fart, burp, pee, and shit.

Alright, so now we are ready for the specific strategies.

1. We want to talk to someone we have never met.

This is extremely easy... if it is the friend of a friend at a party, or someone from the same workplace, or a classmate we have never talked to before; in general a person we don't know but with a connection to us, we can start by introducing ourselves.

Say I am talking to a girl:

Tanai: Hey, I'm Tanai, what's your name?
Person: I'm Cutie.
T: Where are you from?
P: I'm from Paris.
T: Really, I thought you were from Latin America, do you speak Spanish?
P: Un poquito.
T: Perfect pronunciation... bla, bla, bla.

Say I am talking to a guy:

T: Hey man, what's up! What's your name?
P: I'm Mr. Cool Guy.
T: Where are you from?
P: I'm from Australia.
T: Awesome, I've never been but I'd love to go sometime.
P: Where are you from?
T: Colombia, do you work here? I've seen you a few times...  bla bla bla.

We can also start a conversation with people we do not know by using an opinion opener. We simply ask for an opinion about whatever:

T: Hey, can I get an opinion on something?
P: Sure.
T: What do you think about tattoos in people? (I've been saying that lately).
P: I think they look cool; I actually have one in my leg.
T: Really? Did you do it here in this city? I've been thinking about getting a tattoo and bla bla bla.
T: Hey, what's your name by the way.
P: Mrs. Sunshine.
T: I'm Tanai, nice to meet you... bla bla bla.

It is a bit harder to talk to people we do not know and we have no connection whatsoever, say for example, at a bar or nightclub... this is because of social conditioning. However it is all in the mind... I have done it plenty of times. In this kind of situations I would start the conversation in very similar ways as above, however I would be paying more attention at the comfort levels of the person I would be talking to.

2. The exaggeration way.

This could be one of my favorite ways to start conversations... particularly with people I have talked to before a few times. We just make a hyperbolic comment about whatever.

Say, we are having lunch with colleagues and silence reigns:

T: Oh my god, this is the most delicious chicken I've ever tasted in my life.
P: hahaha, are you serious?
T: not really, hehe, but it's good. How do you like your food?
P: It's alright.
T: What's your favorite food?
P: hmmm, I don't kn... (interrupt)
T: I love duck... I had never tried duck before I came to France. Can you cook?
P: Yeah, but I'm not that good... can you?
T: I'm an expert... bla bla bla.

Another one:

T: I've never been so happy in my life, today is a great day of celebration.
P: Oh! What are you celebrating?
T: LIIIFE!!!!
P: hahaha
T: I hope this weekend comes really soon, do you have any plans for the weekend?
P: Gonna visit my sister.
T: Oh cool, where does she lives?
P: In Nice...
T: I've never been to Nice, I've heard is very pretty bla bla bla.

3. Forcing a conversation.

Say we are trying to start a conversation with someone, but that person is making it hard by not giving much information. So we bombard that person with questions even if they are redundant.

T: Hey, what's up!
P: Hi.
T: How are you?
P: It's OK.
T: Alright, haha, how's life going?
P: Everything is good.
T: Nice, what have you been up to?
P: Just finishing work...
T: Was it a hard day?
P: Yeah.
T: Lots of stuff to do?
P: Yeah, I was writing a manuscript. (If by this moment I can not get anything to grab on to, I would drop the conversation and let silence reign).
T: Oh really, what about?

4. Weather.

This just works... lame but safe.

T: Nice sunny day.
P: Yeah, it's really nice.
T: It could actually be the last warm day of the year... (cry).
P: Hahaha, I've read that this weekend is going to stay warm bla bla bla.
T: How's life by the way...
P: It's all good, I'm going to Spain next week... bla bla bla.

Another:

T: It's so dark and cold. It sucks big time!
P: Yeah, I haven't seen the sun in like a week.
T: True. I need some holidays and escape to some sunny island.
P: Yeah, that'd be nice.
T: How's life by the way...

Alright... now we know a few strategies for starting conversations. Most people like to talk so it should not be that difficult. Whatever stupid shit we say should do the work and let's not feel bad if we feel like we have nothing to say… we don’t have to talk all the time or initiate all the conversations.

Daisy (Flash Fiction)

Two days after I arrived to Colombia, a Friday afternoon, I felt a barely perceptible discomfort on my left ear. I thought that it was something insignificant and that it would disappear in a few minutes, but contrary to my expectations the discomfort quickly transformed into severe pain. At night I was already at my limit, I was suffering badly and my hearing was quite impaired. Next morning, I wanted to see if I could look inside the ear by taking a picture of it, and perhaps by zooming in I could catch some details. When I inspected the picture I noticed something unusual: from the ear canal tiny green filaments were sprouting. After a couple of hours I was able to clearly see in the mirror a couple of delicate stems holding proudly quite a few emerald leaves. The plant grew and grew until I was hardly able to keep my head straight, then a beautiful daisy blossomed, showing off elegant white petals and a golden heart.

Gigantic (Flash Fiction)

The other day I was walking around Trocadero with my friend, she's from Moscow and had come to visit Paris for the very first time. We wanted to see the Eiffel tower and she wished to go to the top... when all of a sudden we heard some thunderous rumble. In the distance we saw a gigantic creature, at least 200 meters tall... it looked human, male, he was naked, white skin with numerous freckles, blonde, he seemed retarded and angry. He was coming directly to the tower, stepping on people as he crossed Champ de Mars. People was in panic, I was in panic! The strange humongous retarded human reached the tower, grabbed it and tried to shake it off the ground with all his might. People was sent flying... but the tower withstood the rattle. When the big monster got tired simply left with an expression of disappointment.

I wonder what is of him? Was he annihilated by the military? Or taking to a top secret facility for experimentation? I will never know.

What to do, what to do?

My heart is torn asunder, split in two. The left atrium and ventricle want to travel to a part of the world I’ve never been before, perhaps an English speaking country, explore new horizons and push new frontiers, the exciting new possibilities! The right side wants to come back to Sweden, settle down and establish myself there, let the roots grow, and enjoy from the comfort and safety of that country I love. Both possibilities are real and are equally appealing to me.

I don’t really know what to do. My life would be a lot easier if I come back to my dear Sweden… on the other side the high-risk endeavor of going to a new place like the United State (for example) might promise high rewards.

In Sweden I have many loved friends and many more acquaintances, yet I don’t have any problems at all meeting new people and making new friendships; in fact, it has become a fundamental part of the person I am.

I don’t mind the Swedish winter: on the contrary, I look forward to become a snowboarding expert, yet I could live in sunny California and try surfing.

What to do, what to do… I don’t have any more time to ponder around; I must take a decision immediately. Throw a coin? Enlighten me, please.

And the fear of getting none of the above, and be shipped away to the developing world to experience extreme poverty, hardships, and suffering, still resides within my soul and is a permanent disturbing feeling running in the background of my brain. I don’t want to consider it at all, but there it is. Can’t really help it that much.

The true origin of my name, Tanai.

I have always had this romantic idea about the origin of my name. I’ve told the story to pretty much everybody.

I usually say that the reason why I’m called Tanai is because I have crazy parents. I usually say that because my dad is an anthropologist, he once knew about some mythological stories of the Polynesia. The story that my dad told me is about a boy that left his hometown, located in an island from the South Pacific, to find fresh water somewhere else because they’ve been living for many years in a terrible drought. Tanai travels around the world overcoming incredible perils and hardships. He finds the fresh water and civilization, so he ventures back to his native land to tell his people, now being many years old… but when he arrived, there was no one in the town: everyone had died! With the exception of one old lady, the lady came to him and called his name, Tanai. Tanai meant, according to my dad, the Sea Walker.

However, the true story might be a little different. The reason why my dad called me Tanai was not because of a mythological story from the Polynesia that he heard in some of his anthropological studies. I’m pretty much sure now that he found it in a movie he watched: this movie is called the “The Voyage of Tanai". It was released in 1975, and was directed by a man called John Latos.

I’ve tried to find this movie, a clip, a trailer, anything… but it seems pretty rare. It doesn’t show up in the imdb database, there’s nothing in youtube, only a couple of second hand VHS tapes in amazon. The director does not register either in the imdb and it seems that it was the only movie he made. I did found a synopsis of the movie, this is it:

Tanai, a young Polynesian, sets out on a voyage to obtain soil to plant a breadfruit tree, symbolic of survival to his people. Through storms and rushing tides, Tanai visits some of the most spectacular areas of the world. He battles the Philipino mud people, confronts Easter Island's bizarre ancient sculptures, and fights thirst and hunger. His amazing voyage takes him to the remotest corners of the globe, but the voices of his ancestors guide him on. Upon his return, Tanai must face another challenge of the Modern world—the relocation of his people.

That’s the original source of my name. My dad didn’t tell me he got it from the movie… I’m sure he didn’t tell my mom either.

I wish I could watch this movie though, sounds really interesting and might have touched my dad deep enough to want the name for his son.

How to tie your shoelaces

When we are kids, at some moment we are taught how to tie our shoes. Usually, you cross the laces one over the other, make a loop with one lace and then you wind the other one over the loop, you pass it underneath making a second loop, then pull to tighten the knot, and it’s ready.

But for some reason, no one taught me how to tie my shoes. I figured it out on my own.

So I remember that fateful day when I needed to tie my shoes but I didn’t know how. I was then at the kinder garden, probably 3 years old. So after some trial and error I came up with a not very conventional way to tie my shoes, a technique that I’ve been using ever since until this very day, unaltered, for more than 25 years.

What I did then, after crossing, was to make two loops at the same time, and then cross one loop over the other one!

I remember that instant, so perfectly, as if it just happened yesterday: such an epiphany, the great happiness of unaided discovery.

Super

―Frank, The Creeping Bam is just this, like, fantastic phrase, you know? And I wasn't gonna tell you before, but it's my favourite.
―Oh, it's very good.
―You're lying.
―I don't need a kid sidekick.
―Are you kidding me?
―No!
―Look what happes to you when you don't have a kid sidekick. You get shot by people. Frank, you team up with me, and I swear to fucking god that we will take those cocksuckers down that stole your wife.

I loved that escene! Wonderful movie. Too bad Boltie died.

The Top 5 things Colombia is known for.

Since I left Colombia almost seven years ago, as an expatriate, I’ve had the chance to meet and talk to literally thousands of people from every corner of the world. When I say that I’m from Colombia, almost always people react in a positive way… then they think a little and say whatever they know about Colombia. So these are the top 5 things people first say about Colombia:

5. In Colombia a lot of women have plastic surgery (read: breast implants).

4. Colombian coffee.

3. Colombia football: typically Valderrama, Higuita, and the murder of Andrés Escobar.

2. Shakira.

And, lo and behold! In position number one:

1. Cocaine and drugs!

YAY!!

I would say 90% of people I meet, the first thing they say after I tell them I am from Colombia is some lame joke about cocaine. It ranges from calling me a drug lord and a relative to Pablo Escobar to the following:

Tanai: Hey, where are you from?
Random Person: I’m from XXX, and you?
Tanai: Colombia.
RP: Wow, Colombia!!! [Excited, big smile… think for a second]
RP: Cocaine!!!
Tanai: Yeah! I get that one all the time. [Then I lean in and whisper to his/her ear]
Tanai: How much do you want?

It usually gets a big laugh. Truth be told, I don’t give a fuck.

Nonetheless, everyone I have met that has been to Colombia say wonderful things about the country and their stay in there. So, it’s not so bad, not bad at all!

The Obsession by Charles Baudelaire, sonet

Great woods, you frighten me like cathedrals;
You roar like the organ; and in our cursed hearts,
Rooms of endless mourning where old death-rattles sound,
Respond the echoes of your De profundis.

I hate you, Ocean! your bounding and your tumult,
My mind finds them within itself; that bitter laugh
Of the vanquished man, full of sobs and insults,
I hear it in the immense laughter of the sea.

How I would like you, Night! without those stars
Whose light speaks a language I know!
For I seek emptiness, darkness, and nudity!

But the darkness is itself a canvas
Upon which live, springing from my eyes by thousands,
Beings with understanding looks, who have vanished.



Charles Baudelaire
Translated by William Aggeler
The Flowers of Evil (Fresno, CA: Academy Library Guild, 1954)

Natural fears

I have not been myself lately. I notice I’m changing. I notice my mind is changing. I’ve noticed myself doing a few things that I’ve never done before, that could've never occurred to me before. It’s my brain rewiring itself. It’s scary.

The thing is, who the hell are you? Have you always been the same person? Do you think you can change or are you the kind of people that think you should be accepted just like you are? Like Bridget Jones or something…

Have you ever thought that you could be better? That you could accomplish bigger things? That perhaps you could be a little more open minded? Perhaps you could procrastinate less and be more disciplined? Perhaps you could look a bit better, get cooler clothes, or a bit more original hair cut for a change? Perhaps you could improve your relationships? Perhaps you could be a better lover for your partner? Or a little less stubborn and conflictive, perhaps you could be a bit more understanding? Perhaps you could take bigger risks and break through the comfort zone to take advantage of better possibilities?

Sounds awesome, huh? It seems not so difficult all of a sudden? To become a better person, the best of who we are!

Do you even think about it? That you could be better than who you are right now? That you could change for the better of yourself and your people?

Do you want to be a better person?

Do you know what it takes to become the best of what a person can be? It's not a matter of going to university and reading more books. It's altering and reshaping the damn brain, it's a behavioral thing.

I’m changing, I can notice it, I can feel it.

I’ve changed before… if you know me, if you’ve read my blog before you should know about that. The thing is, that then, even though I wanted to change, I kind of wasn’t aware of the process… when I noticed already a lot had happened. But now I’ve grown more mature, I know myself better, and I can see me in the process of transformation.

However! That “the best of what a person can be” is a EXTREMELY relative thing. It is subjective to a person’s history and life experiences, a person’s personality, a person’s way to see the world. In here, “the best” actually means a state of complete satisfaction with your own self, a place of no regret, of harmony. The concept of harmony is also EXTREMELY relative for the same reasons.

I’m scared. Because I’m like a bat. Yeah, like a lost bat. A lost bat that has been flying on a sunny day… but dusk is approaching. The sun is caressing the horizon. And I’m hungry, I’m really hungry. It was a really hot and sunny day. I’m fed up and kind of cranky… The sun and the daily creatures have made me upset, I’m on the brink of rage; the day was ignominious, those diurnal creatures offended me. I have to settle the score, I have to set things right. The first blink of the brightest stars is piercing through the darkening sky. I might lose control blinded by the exhilaration that the forthcoming night promises. The cooling air infuses new power to my wings and to my heart, and I like it. It’s been too long of a day. I fear I might go berserk tonight. No, I will go berserk, I know it. Welcome to my Kingdom of Night.