Jun 28, 2011

Natural fears

I have not been myself lately. I notice I’m changing. I notice my mind is changing. I’ve noticed myself doing a few things that I’ve never done before, that could've never occurred to me before. It’s my brain rewiring itself. It’s scary.

The thing is, who the hell are you? Have you always been the same person? Do you think you can change or are you the kind of people that think you should be accepted just like you are? Like Bridget Jones or something…

Have you ever thought that you could be better? That you could accomplish bigger things? That perhaps you could be a little more open minded? Perhaps you could procrastinate less and be more disciplined? Perhaps you could look a bit better, get cooler clothes, or a bit more original hair cut for a change? Perhaps you could improve your relationships? Perhaps you could be a better lover for your partner? Or a little less stubborn and conflictive, perhaps you could be a bit more understanding? Perhaps you could take bigger risks and break through the comfort zone to take advantage of better possibilities?

Sounds awesome, huh? It seems not so difficult all of a sudden? To become a better person, the best of who we are!

Do you even think about it? That you could be better than who you are right now? That you could change for the better of yourself and your people?

Do you want to be a better person?

Do you know what it takes to become the best of what a person can be? It's not a matter of going to university and reading more books. It's altering and reshaping the damn brain, it's a behavioral thing.

I’m changing, I can notice it, I can feel it.

I’ve changed before… if you know me, if you’ve read my blog before you should know about that. The thing is, that then, even though I wanted to change, I kind of wasn’t aware of the process… when I noticed already a lot had happened. But now I’ve grown more mature, I know myself better, and I can see me in the process of transformation.

However! That “the best of what a person can be” is a EXTREMELY relative thing. It is subjective to a person’s history and life experiences, a person’s personality, a person’s way to see the world. In here, “the best” actually means a state of complete satisfaction with your own self, a place of no regret, of harmony. The concept of harmony is also EXTREMELY relative for the same reasons.

I’m scared. Because I’m like a bat. Yeah, like a lost bat. A lost bat that has been flying on a sunny day… but dusk is approaching. The sun is caressing the horizon. And I’m hungry, I’m really hungry. It was a really hot and sunny day. I’m fed up and kind of cranky… The sun and the daily creatures have made me upset, I’m on the brink of rage; the day was ignominious, those diurnal creatures offended me. I have to settle the score, I have to set things right. The first blink of the brightest stars is piercing through the darkening sky. I might lose control blinded by the exhilaration that the forthcoming night promises. The cooling air infuses new power to my wings and to my heart, and I like it. It’s been too long of a day. I fear I might go berserk tonight. No, I will go berserk, I know it. Welcome to my Kingdom of Night.

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